A Lack
Words by Valerie Eng.
Illustrations by Hazel Koh.
[Trigger warning for death.]
i close the door behind my feet
every time i enter my room now.
the curtains are always drawn
and there is no light in my room.
darkness. impure, sifted sewage
spilling from the windows. i close my
eyes and i am in the onyx of your
absence. i can hear your footsteps
following me, soft and heavy and measured;
i cannot see my ten fingers or my ten toes,
i can only force myself to feel,
to imagine my toenails gripping the air.
the air that holds your breath even
though you are nothing but ashes
chasing the wind and chased by lightning,
though you are everything but dust
chasing death and chased by –
God knows what.
i cannot see my ten fingers or my ten toes,
i can only will myself to feel.
to cry and wail and scream and shriek,
to think of your face, grinning, held close to fried chicken
and your face held still between two stalks of flowers.
i can feel it, Ally, i can feel the tears coming.
they rush up, a needle for each time i think of you,
and then they stay there, unmoving.
maybe it’s the footsteps that fade into silence,
quickening as a shooting star approaches,
dissolving into sunken tears as the star fizzles out.
and it’s all too fast. my hands never stop moving
and there is no time to sit and think
of how you aren’t here any longer,
how i’ve lost a friend. no time to sit with the loss
feel it from shell to intestine, no time to
think what i mean when i say ‘RIP’ over and over
without really deciding if it’s peace or power i want it to be.
no time to let the silent user behind the other screen type
its last seen into my skin, no time to
sit and think and feel and mourn and heal.
so instead of it all, my limbs launch
into ceaseless chatter and i switch on the light
and i open the door and i
sing at the top of my lungs and i
burrow myself furiously into words and i
think of everything else but you.
i have not shed a tear since your cremation.
Valerie lost her best friend Ally to suicide a few months ago. Valerie and Ally met during their stay at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), where they founded a writing collective called The Youth Are Rising (TYAR). Born from a passion of words, TYAR aims to become a strong, community-driven organisation that provides accessible creative therapy to youth with mental health issues in Singapore. Centred around the power of words, TYAR hopes to bring safe spaces, empowering platforms, and kind communities that invest in the creativity of society through narrative therapy. Valerie has been continuing to work on TYAR since Ally’s passing. To find out more and get involved in TYAR, email theyoutharerising@gmail.com.
Hazel Koh is an illustrator and contemporary artist concerned with understanding slowness and emotion in an age of desensitizing technological overstimulation. She reads, thinks and draws, working mostly with images.